Now I sit here, with Killers on in the background of this darkened rental, carcass of a credit card McDonalds meal scattered about, feeling guilty as hell for venting my mental anguish instead of writing the second act of an outline for a screenplay I'm dreading having to write. (Wow, that makes me sound way more Charlie Kaufman than it does... reality?) [i realize that the last parenthetical sentence was non-sensical. fuck you, that's why]
Why the poison coursing through my digestive system? Couldn't be bothered to cook tonight - or to re-heat what wasn't cooked. Oh yeah, now I gotta make sure I clean the three dishes in the sink. How pathetic is this life? (when you get bored of free internet porn, you KNOW your life is pathetic. Ask 15 year old me if he ever thought that would happen)
And what is my problem? An employed, married man in a stable western nation with half an education is bitching about his life. I've got real problems. (like the fact i'm still watching Killers - this is what my $16.95 a month for HBO gets me, Ashton Kutcher/Katherine Heigl films at twenty to two in the goddamned morning.) [what is WRONG with Katherine Heigl? She has all the right parts in all the right places and yet she would never, ever make it into a wanking fantasy.] {a quick google of 'Katherine Heigl topless' will get a few questionable pictures, nothing substantial.}
My problem is everything is wrong. I have a well paying job I hate, where I talk to people who disgust me day in and day out. Greedy obnoxious people with problems I couldn't care less about. The ideal situation is to move up in this job, but that would require me to actually put in real above board effort. How often are we able to do that with something we hate? I'm awful at it, because I was taught to believe that I would grow up to be a movie god and a rock star, and hard work was only worth doing if it was fun.
That is the inherent problem with people like me who were raised by television. (just spotted Casey Wilson in Killers. Oddly she is 10X more appealing than Katherine Heigl) The problem is compounded by the fact that I was raised by 'Trek and it's spinoffs. The formative years of my life were spent watching ridiculously responsible characters deal with pressing moral and ethical issues in completely enlightened well thought ways. Basically making it impossible for someone, actually Human and not a TV character to come to terms with the fact they are Human, and not a ridiculous 'Trek version of a Human. I view everything through this twisted moralistic 'Trek lense where ethical standards are set to a point where I can't hide my iPhone on 'record' in the bathroom while the roommate takes a shower.
And if your conscience won't let you do that, well what's the point of being a young male?
